-SPENCER’S POV-

“Spencer, you should go.” I jumped slightly at her rusty voice cutting through the silence the past half hour had built up. My heart burned at her hollow words. I brushed auburn locks away from her cool face.

“I’m not going anywhere, sweetie.”

“Spencer… I, I just want to be alone.” My arms wrapped tighter around her front and I pulled Ashley’s body closer to my front.

“No. I’m not letting you go.” I didn’t like this. Her voice was too unemotional for what just happened and I could feel Ashley trying to contain her shivering. “Honey, I’m going to leave you. You need me here with you. I love you, ok, Ashley? Gosh, baby, why can’t you just except that.” I asked, stroking the side of head. My lips pressed a kiss just under her ear and I felt her tighten up.

“I need space, back the fuck up!” I tried to not cry at her angry words. She’s been through a lot, I told myself.

“I’m just trying to help Ashey-”

“Fuck, Spencer. Could you just shut for like two seconds? And by the way, I’m not five ok, so cut the Ashey shit.” My jaw shook and I tried to stop the tears that threatened to fall.

“Ashley, what’s wrong with you?” I whimpered.

“For the love of- What don’t you get Spency? I. Don’t. Want. You. Here.” I couldn’t help it and started to cry. What had happened to her? “Fuck- SHUT UP, SPENCER! SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH AND GO!” I began to sob uncontrollably. She just sighed and rolled farther over onto the bed. I sat there, tears distorting my vision, watching as my girlfriend- lover- just continue to go back to sleep. Trying desperately to quite my crying as to not disturb her, I slunk out of bed and started to pick up my clothes. The shirt I had been wearing was on the chair and my panties where in the middle of the floor. I gave up on finding my right sock and made my way to the door sniffling. I hesitated, then decided to say it anyways.

“I, I love you, Ash-ley.” I added quietly.

“Thanks,” my heart rose when she began to talk, “for the fuck,” she sneered and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I ran down the hallway as fast as I could. Was that all it was, just sex? Was that why she was being so mean? Maybe she realized that she didn’t love me: that she only wanted me to screw her and…. what happened to her?

I broke down in the kitchen. Shaking so hard that I felt like I was moving the island that I had fallen against. I couldn’t stop the tears. I cried and cried until I thought I was going to be sick. I didn’t even know how long I laid against the cool surface of the island. It didn’t matter. My breathing was still choppy and my sobbing hadn’t stopped. Why did she hate me all of a sudden? I continued to whimper and cry, not registering the pounding feet that ran down the stairs.

“Baby? Oh gosh, baby!” Her arms wrapped around my trembling form. “I’m so sorry.” The words were whispered through my hair softly, like they would brake too. She turned me around and pulled me as close as she could. I didn’t hug back; I just pressed my tear-stained face and folded arms into her chest. “I didn’t mean it, angel. I love you, Spencer. You’re my baby. I’m so sorry.” For the first time, Ashley arms didn’t feel the same. They didn’t comfort me. Something about this whole thing was just too painful that she couldn’t just take it away. It wouldn’t vanish, this feeling- it was in the air. “Come back upstairs, angel. Come rest with me.” I shook my head, surprising both of us. She kissed the skin where the opening of my shirt ended before it went up my neck. “Come on.” She didn’t really give me a choice… I don’t even know if I would have resisted. Her strong arms lifted me up and carried me back into her room.

I sat, whimpering on her bed, as she removed my shoes. When she brought me into her arms I didn’t cuddle with her.

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry, baby.” She said remorsefully into my ear.

“What happened to you?” I whispered, my voice breaking.

“Those are some of the withdrawal symptoms of…” Ashley paused and I could feel her take in a deep breath, “cocaine.” She whispered.