“What happened between us just then?” I asked. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” she insisted, averting her eyes from mine immediately.

I felt a pang of anger, or hurt, or… I don’t know what.  I didn’t know anything when it came to my feelings for Spence anymore.  Maybe I was confusing genuine friendly affection for something more?  Maybe I loved her – but was it sexual?  I mean, I knew I was gay, but I never thought there was anything more between myself and Spence than a bit of mild flirting that friends typically do.  Or maybe it wasn’t typical of a normal friendship to flirt with one another!?  All I knew was that I was confused, and her denial wasn’t making things any easier.

I sat quietly, studying her face, noticing every little detail of the expressions she made, and understanding everything she was feeling before she pushed it all down again and looked back up at me blankly.

“Yes you do,” I said calmly.  “Don’t lie.”

“What do you want me to say, exactly?” she asked.  Her eyes lowered to her lap where she wrung her hands nervously.

“The truth, perhaps?” I frowned.  “It’d be a good start… you know, being honest.”

“I can’t do this, Ash,” she barely whispered, making a move to stand and walk away.

I instinctively reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her back down by my side, where she made no further attempt to run away.  We swung together slightly, almost comfortingly.

“Can’t do what?” I asked.

“I can’t keep thinking about you,” she said, her voice sounding strained and weak.

I didn’t know how to respond to her outburst.  I liked the idea of her thinking about me, in whatever way it was that I was playing on her mind, but I didn’t like her finding her thoughts about me to be a burden.

“You think about me a lot?” I finally managed, and my voice cracked as I said it.

She just nodded and looked away from me yet again, causing me to sigh in frustration.  Our conversation wasn’t going quite how I wanted to, and I didn’t have much time to turn it around before she no doubt tried to walk away again, and things were left to hang in the air awkwardly before they were repressed for God knows how long.  I didn’t think things would ever be how they once were, especially if we didn’t talk properly about it immediately.