Ashley:

“Ashley…Ash?”

Why do people shake people to wake them up? What kind of sadistic motherfucker would want someone to wake up to the sensation of their body being shaken like some kind of slumbering ragdoll? Aiden, apparently. My best friend.

He’s an asshole.

“Ashley!” he screamed again, this time next to my right ear.

“I obviously hear you, you maniacal douchebag. I hear you!” I finally yell back, jumping out of bed, “what the hell do you want?”

“In that case…” he replied, walking out of my room.

Shit. I’m sure he had something important to say. A perfectly good reason for waking me up. Something all…friendly and considerate. I can’t help it that I’m not a morning person. God didn’t make me that way. He also didn’t make an alarm that I could tolerate enough to swing by Radio Shack and purchase that digital shit. So I had Aiden. Slightly less annoying. Equally vapid. Absolutely free.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” I said, following him into our disaster of living room.

“You know I know you well enough by now to know you don’t mean it.”

“That’s why I love you, Tiger Beat.”

“I hate that nickname.”

“Then stop going to the gym. Stop getting facials. Stop getting all of your clothes from an episode of ‘Undressed’, get in a car wreck and mess up that pretty little man face of yours and then I’ll stop…maybe. Actually no. I’ll never stop.”

“I know you well enough by now to know that too.”

“So how’s the moving going?” I asked, collapsing on the couch.

“I’m almost done. One box in the car and it’ll be like you never even had a roommate.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“So I’ll probably never see you again, huh? Like, now that you’re becoming an adult and going it alone.”

“Aren’t you doing the same thing?”

“Oh no. There’s a big difference between you and me, kid. You chose to abandon me and move on with your life or whatever. I’m the victim in this shit. I’m getting left alone in this huge apartment where I’ll probably die with twenty cats, a bottle of Jack, and a guitar with three strings. Don’t worry though. It’s fine.”

“Ashley…”

“No, seriously. It’ll be great. I’ll get an aquarium…some plants. Maybe like a DVD box set or three. Call it a day. Hell, call it a life, even. I’m practically done.”