“She doesn’t like me very much does she?”

“No she doesn’t. Alice definitely doesn’t like you.”

“I guess I can understand that but..”

“She thinks you’re going to hurt me again. She doesn’t want to see me go through that again. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Those words she just spoke stung hard.  So much that I’m at a loss of what to say.  I can’t think of anything to say to her.

We’re both sitting in silence at her kitchen table again.  My eyes are focused souly on her while her eyes are focused on her plate and the last piece of her chicken.  She’s using her fork to push it around in the sauce. I came here with the intent to tell her everything. To tell her how sorry I am for what I did and that she can trust me to never hurt her again. I had it all planned out in my head. Now, I’m not sure where or how to begin. I want to tell her I’m sorry but it doesn’t seem like enough. I can’t even find the words in my head to start.  She’s the first to break the silence and in doing so gives me my place to start.

“Why did you do it Dylan?” She looks up making eye contact with me for the second time tonight. “If you loved me, how could you hurt me the way you did?”

Those eyes, her beautiful eyes are staring back at me, so full of hurt and pain. A hurt and pain that I was the cause of. I want to look away but I refuse to let myself. After what I’ve done, I deserve to have to look at the horrible sadness I caused the only person who ever made me feel loved. And she deserves to know why.

“Do you remember that night in my editing room, the night we first kissed?”

She only nods and barely whispers the word yes.

I lean forward in my chair thinking that the closer I am to her the more likely it will be that she knows what I’m saying to her is the truth. “That’s the first time I ever felt what it felt like to love someone and what it felt like to be loved. When you looked at me….the way you looked at me….I felt it in my heart Helena. I knew right then that I loved you. I never wanted that feeling to go away. I wanted to stay there, in that moment with you forever.” She’s leans back in her chair as if wanting to keep the safe distance of the table between us.

“You understand Dylan, why it’s hard for me to believe what you just said. What you did to me isn’t something you do to someone you love.”

I can feel the tears beginning to well up in my eyes. “I know, Helena, I know it’s not and I hate myself for doing that to you. I’ve regretted what I did ever since. I want to explain to you why. Will you at least let me try and explain to you why. I’m not asking you to forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But, just please, let me explain to you why……. If you never want to see me again after, then I’ll leave. I promise you, I’ll leave and be out of your life forever.  All I ask is that you just hear what I have to say first.”

She’s staring back at me and her expression is unreadable. I have no idea what she’s thinking. Getting up from her chair, she begins to clear our plates and utensils from the table. As she turns to head to the sink she finally responds to my question. “This explanation you are going to give me better not be like that piss poor excuse of a video you left a my gate.”