Almost Heaven 5

Chapter Seven

We sit in her “office.” It’s me, Sámi, Hunter, J.R. and Helena. There is sunshine peeking in through the curtains. I break her rules and smoke in the kitchen knowing she won’t throw me out. She glares at me that one eye of hers, all knowing all seeing, no longer detached and her worse fear come true. And maybe mine as well.

Here are the real and solid facts:

I didn’t want anything bad to ever happen to Carmen. I was, I was more than able to cope with not seeing her again. I was more than able to deal with her living in time but without me. But this, this is unreal. She is here in my space in my time and I can’t ignore it. I can’t look away under the guise that it’s all out of focus. I can’t and I won’t. I never said “I love you” to Helena. I never promised her my heart.

A part of me belongs to her though. I grew into something even I didn’t know I could be. And it’s because she trusted me to get it done. I look at her. She looks at me. I look at the window. I look at Jenny, almost finished working on the door. I look at it all, I Take it in because after all its just a matter of time before it all comes crumbing down, low. I look away. I light another cigarette. I feel alive and it’s been a while. I have up till this point been sleepwalking my way thru this life, I woke, I fucked Helena, I slept, I ate, I shot, I saved, I ran, I climbed, I hid, I did not seek. I drank, I smoke, I counted stars in endless nights, all not thinking of her, and by not thinking of her, of trying to not think of her, I believe I was running a very successful program of avoidance. I had every reason to pretend that this was all perfect and well and good enough, and Helena my bittersweet, she knew. She was firmly aware of my hidden unhappiness, not so hidden, but then again she can read my mind…..so there you have it.