Chapter 21

Bette stirred as she felt soft fingertips gently rubbing her back in an attempt to wake her from her dream. It wasn’t necessarily that the dream was of any consequence, but she still felt as tired as she had when she went to bed and couldn’t believe that the night had passed so quickly.

“Ugh,” Bette squirmed away from the hands that were trying to coax her into reality.

Tina smiled as she massaged Bette’s back harder trying to wake her up.

“Come on Babe, I need to talk.”

Tina’s voice finally managed to break through the fogginess in Bette’s mind as her words slowly registered. Bette opened one eye and sat straight up seeing it was nearing 4:00 in the morning and Tina sounded frightened.

“Babe?” Bette touched Tina’s cheek lovingly. “What’s going on?”

“I need to talk.”

“That much I gathered,” Bette smiled at Tina urging her to continue. “What’s wrong?”

Tina blinked back tears, suddenly feeling nervous about the topic of discussion. She felt somewhat comforted when Bette urged her to lay her head on her lap and began to stroke Tina’s hair lovingly.

“No tears Babe,” Bette whispered as she wiped a stray one away that was sliding down Tina’s cheek. “Whatever it is you can talk to me, I’m here to support you.”

Tina cleared her throat as she struggled to address Bette about Megan and her child, knowing the conversation wouldn’t be a pleasurable one to have. Tina’s tears spilled over silently as she contemplated the exact words she wanted to use to convey the information she had discovered, her feelings regarding it, and her ultimate desire to have another child regardless if the child was born of her body or not. She had found herself considering raising Sarah a viable option, rather than having one herself, as she held Sarah and rocked her to sleep.

“Talk to me Tina,” Bette pleaded gently.

Tina’s mind shot back in time to the first attempt they made at starting their family. Tina remembered how devastated she was, receiving the news on her own, that she had suffered a miscarriage. For the first time in her life, Tina had felt that her heart actually broke when she and Dr. Wilson listened once more for a heartbeat that never came.

When Bette walked into their house, it was evident she had also received the news alone, she had no need to ask Tina why she was cowering in their bedroom in tears. Bette immediately took Tina into her arms as Tina clawed at her trying to get as close as she possibly could.

Tina’s mind drifted to the group therapy session where Bette was specifically asked if she had cried at the loss of their child. All Bette could do was throw up walls, claiming she had no need to cry. Bette went on with her life as if nothing had happened, attending Kit’s show that night, while Tina ignored all the signals that Bette was falling apart.

It wasn’t until Bette was on national television that she allowed any of her feelings to seep in and register in the depths of her heart. Tina wouldn’t have believed it herself had she not been waiting for Bette in the green room watching it all unfold in front of her.

“Tina talk to me please,” Bette whispered as tears fell from Tina’s eyes and her thoughts were brought back to the present.

“I’m sorry,” Tina whispered as she wiped her tears once more wetting Bette’s lap.

“What are you sorry for Babe?”

Tina continued to allow her tears to silently fall as she held onto Bette’s thighs tight.

“I’ve spent an eternity not listening to you haven’t I?”

Tina was afraid of the answer, yet propelled to say the words she was most afraid to utter.

“I don’t understand,” Bette rubbed Tina’s back beginning to panic at the angst that plagued Tina’s mind. “I believe you listen to me.”

Tina’s mind flashed back to the night of Provocations. She was aware she was running late and half expected to be pounced on when she walked through the door for not arriving home sooner to prepare for the show. She walked through the door and was met with silence, and not seeing Bette anywhere, she became concerned. Typically, Bette would have been running around the house on her cell phone making last minute decisions while expertly applying the finishing touches to her makeup.

“Babe?” Tina called out as she walked into the bedroom searching for Bette. Not finding her there, she stepped back into the hallway. “Have you seen my dress?”

Tina found a little comfort as she heard the shower running, but still worried that Bette was also running behind, which would add pressure to the process of getting to the CAC for the show.

“Are you…” Tina began to wonder why Bette wasn’t answering. “Baby?”

She peered into the shower and saw Bette crouched in the corner with her eyes closed. She opened the door pleading with Bette to finish her shower with only 40 minutes left before she was to arrive at the gallery for the biggest show it had seen in its history.

“Let’s get you out of here,” Tina opened the door and shut the water off quickly. “Baby we have to have you there in 40 minutes.”

Tina wrapped a towel around a soaking wet Bette and brought her to her feet. Tina remembered pleading with Bette to tell her what was happening, but in reality she didn’t need words to understand the message that Bette was falling apart.

Tina made the excuse to herself that Bette was just tired given the work she had done to prepare the show on time. During the weeks prior, Bette had dealt with so many personal and professional challenges and despairs that it was feasible she was just tired. However, Tina’s intuition told her differently and she ignored the signs in front of her face.

“I handled that so badly,” Tina whispered puzzling Bette.

“Handled what?” Bette was becoming increasingly worried. “Tina please tell me what’s going on?”

“Oh,” Tina wiped her tears and looked into Bette’s eyes. “I was thinking about when you asked me to start our family again.”

“Why are you thinking of that?”

“Do you remember it?”

“Vaguely,” Bette admitted. “But I’m not sure why you’re thinking about that now or why that has you so upset.”

“I tried to convince myself that you were falling apart on the shower floor because of Provocations. I remember seeing so much uncertainty in your eyes when you told me you needed us to start our family again.”

“Is this about you wanting a baby?” Bette asked carefully.

“When I think back to that moment, I am so angry at myself for not even providing comfort to you when you so obviously needed our family. I didn’t even kiss you like I meant it. I pulled back and placed some lame ass kiss on your forehead.”

“Do you think I’m not providing comfort for you now that you want to have another child?” Bette asked hesitantly.

“I think I’m on the verge of making the same damn mistake I made back then.”

“What is that?”

“Not listening,” Tina admitted sadly. “I didn’t read the signs then, how afraid you were, and I’ve ignored them now because I’ve been afraid of not being able to have a child as time ticks on.”

“It’s ok to be afraid,” Bette reassured her lovingly. “I know what it’s like to feel that desperation about something as important as family.”

“I know, I remember that look of desperation you had. I hated myself for ignoring it, but ignoring it now seems like a worse offense against you and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.”

“What specifically did you do?” Bette asked fearful of Tina’s answer.

“I didn’t do anything permanent,” Tina said understanding Bette’s tone of voice. “I can’t blame you for being afraid I’d run off and inseminate myself based on past history.”

Bette watched as Tina rolled her eyes mocking herself for her past choices.

“I did, however, have some people from my staff investigate Megan.”

“Why?”

“I believe in karma Babe,” Tina began to explain but was quickly cut off by a hardened voice.

“Why Tina?”

“Because something was telling me I had to know more. I had to understand more about what happened to Megan and how that impacted our life regarding whether we should have a baby or not.”

“I thought I expressed my views on having a baby prior to Megan telling me about her partner.”

“Janet,” Tina softly said her name.

“What?”

“Her partner’s name was Janet.”

“Whatever her name was,” Bette began to explain herself in depth, once again, on her views about adding to their family. “She is not the reason that I do not want to have another child. She reinforced that obviously, but the fear of something happening to you was there before she even told me about her partner.”

“So the entire reason you don’t want a child is because of the fear something will happen to me?” Tina challenged.

“That’s the biggest reason,” Bette began to explain. “I’ve not wanted to pursue this because of the risks and potential outcomes for you and our child given your age.”

“What if we didn’t have to go through that?”

“What do you mean?” Bette asked worried about the direction the conversation was taking. “Will you bottom line for me what Megan has to do with us having another baby?”

“She has one,” Tina said watching Bette’s expression closely.

“Excuse me?”

“Megan has a child,” Tina got up and handed Bette the file that had been sitting on her nightstand. “That is the complete story of Megan and her partner Janet. The baby, who is named Sarah, survived when Megan honored Janet’s wish and chose the baby’s life over Janet’s.”

Bette’s shaking hands opened the file folder as her eyes began to skim the contents. Tina knelt back on the bed next to Bette, watching her eyes move quickly across the words in front of her and her reaction to those words.

“Sarah,” Bette blinked back tears as she looked at the picture of Megan holding her child close to her chest. “I don’t understand. How can she have a child and I’ve never seen her with one?”

“Megan’s mother, who is ill, has been watching her so she can finish this show in honor of Janet.”

“I knew she was personalizing the show even before she told me her story,” Bette began to speak as if almost to herself. “But I had no idea the baby survived.”

“She’s beautiful.”

“You’ve seen her?” Bette asked with a trace of anger in her voice.

“I held her.”

“Tina,” Bette quickly wiped a tear away before looking in Tina’s direction. “What more is there?”

Tina swallowed the lump caught in her throat, afraid to tell Bette the certain future Megan had chosen and the desire for them to raise her baby.

“Babe,” Tina took Bette’s hand in her own and stroked it gently. “Megan is dying.”

Bette’s mouth fell open and her hands began to shake as she blinked back fresh tears.

“What?” Bette asked barely above a whisper.

“Megan has cancer,” Tina used her other hand to flip to the page in the report detailing her medical condition. “She decided not to take treatment because her odds aren’t strong that, even with treatment, she’ll survive.”

“That’s absurd!” Bette’s anger rang true in her voice. “She’s not an 80 year old woman that’s lived a full life!”

“She’s made her choice Babe.”

“Bullshit!” Bette got up off the bed and began to pace in anger. “She has a responsibility to that child, if nothing else, to turn over every rock and fight until she can’t anymore. There are medical advances every day that can help her.”

“You’re preaching to the choir,” Tina said as she watched Bette pace in front of her. “I told her all that.”

“Well she’ll hear it from me!”

“She doesn’t want a lecture or your pity Babe.”

“Well then what does Megan want?” Bette shot back.

“For us to raise Sarah,” Tina said calmly.

She knew Bette had heard her clearly when she stopped pacing and stood staring into Tina’s face with anger in her eyes. She shook her head and took a moment to comprehend what Tina had just shared with her.

“She wants us to raise Sarah?” Bette asked in order to gain some clarification.

“She wants her child to be raised by a lesbian couple that best represents what her mothers were when they were alive.”

“We hardly know this woman! I slept with her years ago to get a show and now I’m working on a show with her to save my gallery. I hardly think we qualify as friends and someone you would ask to raise your child.”

“She has nobody else.”

“So we’re the logical choice?” Bette asked sarcastically. “And of course this solves your issue because you get another child.”

“I’m not that selfish Bette,” Tina began to get upset. “We were still debating whether to have one or not when I found all this out and had a conversation about it with her.”

“This takes the risk to you and our child out,” Bette began to rationalize Tina’s thinking to her. “So you thought I would just jump on us adopting Megan’s baby once she allows herself to die?”

“She’s made her mind up about her health.”

“Like hell she has,” Bette began to search for clothes to change into. “I haven’t talked to her yet and obviously you haven’t pointed out the selfish behavior she’s clinging to by refusing treatment.”

“She has a 20% chance to live even with treatment Bette!”

“And that little girl deserves that 20% to be fought for,” Bette slipped her shoes on. “If she thinks we’re close enough to ask me to raise her child, than she better know that we’re close enough that she’s going to listen to reason.”

“She just got Sarah to bed,” Tina followed Bette out of the bedroom and down the hall. “Running over there to disturb her isn’t going to help the situation any.”

“Her fight for that 20% starts now Tina,” Bette squared off with her wife. “If I ever were to agree to take this child and raise her, and I have not agreed to that yet, it would be because she fought the fight of her life and it wasn’t meant to be. Not because Megan gave up on herself and that little girl!”

Bette walked out of the house leaving a stunned Tina standing in the dark living room alone. Angelica, quietly listening to the raised voices from the comfort of her bedroom, tried to comprehend what she had overheard.

“My mom wants to adopt a baby?” Angelica muttered quietly to herself

She looked over at the clock and saw she had limited time to stage her dress and shoes in her closet to make changing for the dance easier given she had to also sneak out. She had packed a bag for the hotel, including her bikini, because Darren said there would be a hot tub for everyone to use.

Angelica pushed down the guilty feeling that resided in her stomach as she pushed clothes aside in the closet to make room for her formal dress. She was happy she had the sense to purchase it before she had been caught drinking, because she hadn’t been out of Tina or Bette’s sight since.

The gown was red, and although she struggled, she also managed to swipe red 3-inch heels from Bette’s closet that matched the fabric of the dress perfectly. The dress had a lower neckline revealing a fair amount of cleavage. Angelica knew it wouldn’t be a dress that her mothers would approve of, yet when she tried it on, she couldn’t help but to purchase it with the credit card that Bette had given her to use only in an emergency.

The dress hung on the hanger by the thin spaghetti straps and as Angelica looked at it, she had to admit she was very excited to go to her first dance. It was surely to be special, given how much her and Darren cared for one another.

Angelica sat back down on her bed and thought about the words that echoed in her mind about Tina wanting to adopt a child. She knew her mothers weren’t likely to notice her being gone, given the argument she had heard.

“I’ll have to deal with the baby thing after the dance,” Angelica thought. “Once I go to the dance and sneak back in tomorrow morning, I’ll make sure I tell them I don’t want a sibling.”

Angelica grabbed her cell phone and turned it on, waiting for the phone to come alive. Once it did she pushed the button to access her text function.

‘Can’t wait until tonight. I love you!’

Angelica hit the send button and put the phone down waiting to hear what she suspected would be sent back. She waited for Darren to write he loved her too, which would urge her even further down a path of destruction for the night.