The three ladies sit in Shanes roommates beat up old car parked just behind Bettes expensive and well maintained ride. Okay, I have the keys; Im going to move it. Shane, you slide this one in. Dana, as soon as its in place you get out with the whipped cream and get started – no dilly dallying do you hear me?! Shane, hood up, we dont want anyone recognizing us.

Alice pulls the rainbow mask down over her face and quickly makes her way to Bettes car, with a quick couple of beeps from the alarm the lock pops and she jumps in.

Dana and Shane look haplessly at each other, I really cant believe were doing this Shane. I mean Bette is going to be so pissed when she comes out for her car tomorrow. Oh my God, what if she calls the cops? I have a career to think about. I cant just

Dana, calm down man, Bette will know right away that its Alice. She wont call the cops. Trust me it will be okay. Im more concerned about what Bette is going to do to us.
Shane looks down at the seat where her cell phone is buzzing; its Alice, Yea?

What the ***** are you having tea? MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
Shane flips the phone closed and looks over at Dana, as she begins to ease the car into the parking stall, The General is ordering us to move out.

Shane and Dana jump from the car, each with a can of whipped cream. Alice hops on the hood of the car and scrawls across the windshield, IVE GOT YOUR BABY, while Shane, scribbles, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO along the drivers side windows. Dana watches in astonishment for a minute before she makes her way to the rear window and pipes out PORTER in whipped cream. Finding this to be incredibly fun, Dana squirts out a couple of flowers and a happy face, before Alice runs along grabbing her by the arm and screaming in a whispered tone, ABORT, ABORT! Hurrying Dana to Bettes car they attempt to jump, but in actuality fall into the back seat while Shane has the engine fired up and ready to move.

Lying across the back seat with Alice half on top of her, Wha Danas heart is thumping a scared shitless rhythm in her chest, while she tries to speak, What happened?

Alice starts to laugh; she can hardly catch her breath as her eyes fill with tears, Oh God that was funny! Just then Shane takes a sharp turn, tossing Alice to the floor, where she breaks into another barrage of laughter. Slowly she regains her composure enough to wiggle back to the seat.

Alice turns to Dana, I saw a light go on in the unit next to the Portards Huffing and puffing a bit from the momentary hysteria, Alice stops to take a deep breath, as she looks back to Dana she finds her quaking with quiet laughter, Danas hands are on her face and soaked with tears. Alice watches her in amusement, What?! she hollers at her now gasping friend. Frustrated Alice looks to Shane who is also laughing to the point of tears. Okay, what the *****? What is so funny you two?

Shane, using the back of her hands to wipe the moisture from her face and eyes while trying to drive looks back at Alice in the rear view mirror, Al, you look ***** ridiculous!

At that moment Alices hands fly to her face, *****! She rips the ski mask off leaving her hair a sweaty matted mess.

Shane looks at her again, Oh yea, thats so much better.

Alice promptly flips Shane off.
~*~

Bette and Tina lay entangled with one another in their bed, their bare bodies draped lightly with a soft cool bed sheet while basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking.

They had barely arrived home without ravishing one another in the car, and had almost missed the couch completely as they staggered into the house grabbing and ripping at each others clothes. The first round was wild, urgent and breathless. But the next round was romantic and slow, ***** and sensual.

Following the crazed ***** on the couch, Tina had gathered up their clothing items from the living room floor, chair and lamp. Bette moved ahead and lit candles in the bed room, turned down the bed and flipped on the stereo, sending soft and seductive sounds throughout the room.

Tina dropped the clothes at the doorway and moved slowly toward her lover, mesmerized by the way the candle light reflected against Bettes skin, how it danced around her toned body. Tina watched intently as she came closer and found the flickering flames highlighting areas that Tina needed to touch and kiss, areas that have been neglected over the past twelve days.

Tina took Bette to the mattress, slowly and seductively, allowing her senses to kick in as she savored every touch, kiss and smell. They made love slowly, carefully, thoughtfully.

It was during the afterglow that the phone rang. Bette looked over at the clock, noting it was almost 2:30 in the morning before picking it up. Hello? her voice sounding relaxed and breathy.

Bette?

Yes, whos this?

Oh Bette, Im sorry to bother you at this hour. This is Jennifer from next door.

Its okay, Bette pushed herself up, is everything okay? Is there a problem? Bette looked at Tina and mouthed Jennifer and pointed toward the direction of her unit.

Im not really sure. I think someone is tampering with your car.

Bette bounds out of bed, frantically grabbing at her robe.

Take a look out your window.

As she pulls on her robe Bette makes her way to the living room window. Looking out where shed parked the car earlier, her mouth falls open as she watches her car pull off, while some ratty old car is now sitting in its place and covered in something that appeared to be white painted letters. *****! Bette tosses the phone to Tina and bolts out the door. She stood seconds later in front of a beat-up mess of a car.. Though beginning to melt, Bette was able to make out the message printed across the windows in what appeared to be whipped cream, ***** you Alice! Bette growled loudly as she turned and stormed back into her condo.

Tina and Jennifer were still on the phone when Bette walked back in, ***** Alice T. Shes ***** around with my car!

Tina? Jennifer could hear Bette through the phone as well as the joining wall of their units, Do you want me to call the police? I saw three people down there. I can give the police a description.

Let me ask Bette what she wants to do.

Bette, Tina walked to her and placed her hand on he shoulder as Bette stared out the window, Jennifer wants to know if she should call the police. She saw three people around the car and she can give a description.

Bettes eyes widened as she looked at Tina, Here, let me talk to Jennifer. Bettes voice is tight, Jen, you saw three? Can you tell me what they looked like? Bette stares at Tina while Jennifer describes what she saw. Uh-huh, okay. Bettes eyes appear ready to pop, No, dont call the police, I know who has it. Yep, its a practical joke. Okay, thanks for watching out for us. Yea, Ill let you know what happens. Thanks again Jen.

Disconnecting the call, Bettes face reflects pure rage, What the ***** is she thinking T? What if she cracks up my car? And its not just her, the other two knuckleheads are accomplices, Shane and Dana are in on this. *****!

Storming into the bed room, Bette begins to dress, T, youre going to have to take me to Alices apartment and then hold me back so I dont beat her ***** from here to Tallahassee.

Tina moves to Bette, placing her hands on her arms, Listen, I totally get how pissed off you are and totally get how attached you are to your car well scratch that, I dont really get the car thing. Bette flashes Tina an exasperated look, Come on now – nobody gets the car thing Bette. Anyway, while you were on the phone with Jennifer, I thought of a plan to get back at Alice and it should work for all of them.

T, Bettes nerves being completely frazzled, I dont want to get back at them. I want my CAR back safe and sound. I want to make sure she doesnt ***** it up somehow. I want to kick her *****!

Okay, but babe this is a really good idea if I do say so myself and after this shell never try to mess with you again – none of them will. Tina watches Bette drop to sit on the bed looking defeated. Let me make a few quick phone calls before I tell you about it. If I can work it out, the Three Stooges will end up being very sorry for what they did. If I cant, Im taking you over there myself and let you loose on her.

~*~
About ten minutes later Tina was back in the bed room, where Bette was finishing getting dressed, Okay, youre going to love this. Heres how it plays out and dont interrupt me until I get it all out okay?

Fine T, lets hear this master plan of yours.

While you were on the phone earlier, I remembered that we have a shoot happening last night and into this morning not too far from here. Tina stops, places her hands on her hips and tilts her head to the side as a warning to Bette, who has become immediately bored and antsy, Just hear me out okay? Alright, the shoot is all cop stuff, a car chase, a foot chase, a shootout etc. That means that there are actors close by in LAPD uniforms that we can use to have some fun with.

Bettes eyes light up as she leans forward to hear more, Now, I can get into big, huge, my ***** is out the door kind of trouble for this, but I made arrangements for several of the actors to show up at Alices house in about thirty to forty-five minutes to roust them and place them in a paddy wagon.

Bettes face is one huge smile, ***** brilliant T! Oh my God I would kill to see their faces when they get loaded into the wagon.

You will. Ive made arrangements for an extra costume for you. Well meet them at the apartment; you can change in the car while they do their acting stuff and scare the ***** out of the girls. I thought it would be funny if you were somehow involved.

Bette stood and grabbed up Tina into a tight hug, You are amazing. I love what a great team we are. Bette placed a loving kiss across Tinas lips before turning quickly and pulling Tina by the hand, Now get dressed, we dont have a lot of time.

~*~

Bette and Tina pulled up around the corner from Alices apartment. Bette quietly walked over to her car parked at the curb and was in the process of inspecting it when several police cars pulled up and parked behind Tina, the paddy wagon was right behind. Tina exited her car and walked over to on of the unmarked cars that followed the paddy wagon, Bette joined her as Tina began talking to one of the film crew, Hey Randy, thanks for this. Tina reached out and hugged him.

Oh this is my pleasure – it sounded too funny to pass up.

Randy this is my girl friend Bette; it was her car that got car-napped by our crazy friends.

Bette, its very nice to meet you. The mid-thirty-ish sandy blonde haired man took her hand in his and gently squeezed it, Ive heard many nice things about you, so of course it was easy to say yes to this request. Besides, glancing toward Tina, can anyone ever deny her anything? He and Bette chuckled together as Tina gave him a loving slug to the shoulder.

Okay, Randy motioned for one of the actors to come over, Bette I have an extra costume for you – just go over to the paddy wagon and theyll hook you up. Tina, this is Andrea, can you please give her the scoop and get her up to speed?

Hey Andrea, nice to meet you. Okay, heres the deal
The ladies stood there plotting the upcoming scene, while Bette quickly changed into her costume.
~*~

Inside the apartment, Alice, Dana and Shane are in the living room having just finished relaxing with a little smoke, and are now passing the rainbow colored ski mask amongst them, each taking a turn wearing it while Alice snaps pictures with her camera. Their hysterical laughter is silenced with a knock at the door. Frozen, all three shift their eyes looking to one another. Finally, Shane shoves Alice in the arm, Al, arent you going to get that?

Alice checks the clock, Guys, its past 3 a.m., who would be at my door? Alice begins to look panicked, Do you think Bette figured it out already?

Dana moves to the front window peeking out through the blinds, Oh my God you guys, its the cops! Al, the cops are at your door!

Another knock, *****! Alice grunts, Okay, you two stay here.

Alice casually answers the door, Oh, hello officer, taking a look at the name tag of the tall thin brunette before her, Withers. Is there a problem? Were we being too loud? Alice batted her eyes a little and attempted to look as innocent as she could.

Maam Im looking for a Ms. Alice Pieszecki is she at home? The officer poked her head in the door and craned her neck in an effort to get a better look inside.

Ah yea, Im Alice. What can I do for you? Again batting her eyes and moving just a half step closer, Jesus, Alice thinks to herself, I love a woman in uniform.

Well then Ms. Pieszecki can you please step outside? The officer moves to give her room to pass.

Well, what is this about, I mean why do I have to go outside; wouldnt you like to come in instead?

Placing her hand on the handle of her gun, Ms. I really need for you to exit the premises peacefully, now, if you would step right out here and keep your hands where I can see them. Alices eyes were fluttering again, but this time it was in complete disbelief. Stepping outside the threshold of the door Alice was grabbed by another officer standing to the right of the door. He spun her around and moved her firmly against the wall and handcuffed her.

What the *****? Alice began to protest.

Occupants of the apartment, please come out with your hands up. Office Withers hollered into the front door.

Shane was collapsed back on the couch and roller her eyes at the request, Jesus Christ Alice, Im going to beat your ***** when this is over! Shane stands and grabs Dana by the hand hand, who is cowering on the floor next to a chair, Lets go Dane, Alice has fried our asses tonight.
~*~
Outside and behind one of the plain marked cars Bette and Tina are crouched down watching the scene unfold. One by one the officers handcuffed the Three Stooges, and moved them toward the paddy wagon moving past a small film crew.

What is this? Dana shouts at the crew, Why am I being filmed?

The male officer holding her handcuffed hands and guiding her to the wagon responds, Cops. Theyre shooting for Cops.

The surprised look on Danas face was hysterical. Tina thought for sure she was going to lose it.

T, this is ***** classic, I am getting real kick out of this. Bettes face is lit with a wide smile. This is much better than my idea of kicking Alices *****.

Babe, I dont mean to pop your little butch bubble, but have you ever kicked anyones *****? Tina bats her eyes at Bette, Pa-lease, if Id let you go, you would have cornered her and done nothing more then yell and scream your head off – you would have never slugged her.

Whatever T, I was totally pissed – she messed with my car! Thats almost as bad as messing with my woman. Bette winked at her.

Okay, yea, whatever. Anyway, Randy really did us a huge favor. Im going to owe him big time!

Really? Bettes eyes widen with surprise.

Oh my God, not like that. Jesus, gutter brain, hes in a committed relationship with his partner – five years now.

Oh. Bette gives a fake sigh of relief, I was just joking T. My gaydar works perfectly fine, I figured him out right away with the handshake. Bette nudges Tina lovingly, Taking him and his partner to dinner may be in order though.

~*~
One by one the officers pat down the suspects and place them in the wagon, first went Dana, who begged for release, Please, you guys this was just a practical joke. I cant get arrested. My parents are going to disown me. Besides, it wasnt even my idea. Jesus Alice will you please explain this?! But her pleas fell on deaf ears as the cops placed her into the wagon.

Shane was much calmer about the entire incident. She quietly followed instructions and stepped into the wagon, before they could shut the door Shane looked at Alice who still remained outside, This is so ***** WHACK Alice!

Alice on the other hand was not about to go down easy and even if she wanted to, Tina had a plan just for her – the brains behind the car-napping.

Officer Andrea Withers exited the apartment with the rainbow ski mask, a long leash of keys and what appeared to be some drug paraphernalia,

Walking up to Alice she pushes her firmly against the side of the paddy wagon, so her face is up against the cold metal and the officers knee and thigh are pressed between her legs and against her *****, Ms. Pieszecki, could you please help by explaining these items? First she held up the rainbow ski mask.

I got that at the ***** Pride Festival last month here in Hollywood.

Really, and for what reason might I ask?

Ah, let me see, skiing maybe – yep, its definitely a SKI mask. Alice couldnt control her sarcasm.

Leaning in close so only Alice would hear her, And cover up a beautiful face like yours – what are you thinking? The tall brunette placed the item in a plastic bag before leaning in a little tighter against Alices back.

Alices mind spun, What, did I just hear that correctly, did she say beautiful face?

And what about these? Officer Withers held a lanyard type keychain filled with keys, bottle openers and other items.

Ah, see there you go; the key to the car is right there on that chain. See, I didnt steal her car, I have the keys so therefore I must have the approval to drive it.

Mmm hmm, the officers breath was warm against Alices ear as she spoke, well, does the owner of said vehicle know that you have the car baby, did they give you permission to abscond with it this evening?

I just told you Alices thoughts trail off, baby? God shes flirting with me. Feeling the Officer shift behind her brings Alice back to reality, I have the key and the alarm control. Isnt that enough of an approval?

Ms. is the car registered in your name? pushing in a bit harder again and shifting her leg against Alices *****, Officer Withers speaks softly into Alices hair, I can totally see you driving that car with the top down, totally hot.

No. Alices eyes open wide at the pressure against her *****, and feeling Officer Withers chest pressed up against her back.

Well then, you stole the car.

Borrowed. I borrowed the car. Alices retorts her voice surprisingly breathy, as she thinks to herself, *****, I cant believe this is turning me on.

And this Ms. did you have this key chain with you this evening when you took the car in question?

Of course, the key is on the chain.

Well then, Grand Theft Auto and Possession of a Deadly Weapon.

What? What the ***** are you talking about? I didnt have a weapon.

Honey, if you were to hit someone with this, you could kill em. The officer drops the keys in the bag with the ski mask.

And this Ms. Pieszecki, what about this, we call it drug paraphernalia, what do you call it?

Alice opened her mouth to speak, but decided against it. She knew she was screwed and decided to not make the situation any worse. Shed wait for her phone call at the station and then get Bettes ***** down there to straighten this out.

Okay then, deciding to remain silent though I like hot and sassy, quiet and brooding works too. Officer Withers releases a little pressure from Alice, allowing her to move away from the wagon just a bit. Okay, Im going to pat you down before placing you in the wagon, With a low breathy voice, Now spread your legs for me baby nice and wide and lean forward just a littleMmm just like that, okay now Im going to run my hands along your body.

Alices head was swimming, ***** she IS coming on to me. Oh my God, shes totally coming on to me, whoa, nice…

Officer Withers ran her hands along Alices shoulders and down her sides before reaching around with one hand and seductively and slowly rubbing her hand across Alices chest, taking an extra pass across her *****. A little chilled Ms. Pieszecki?
With that the officer quickly dropped her arms and ran her hands along Alices legs and up to her crotch, allowing her fingers to graze the seam of her jeans just enough for Alice to catch her breath.

Okay then, shes clean, Officer Withers shouts to another cop standing at the door of the wagon. Just before releasing her to be placed inside with the others, Officer Withers leaned into Alices ear one more time and whispered, See you later honey – for the cavity search.

~*~
Meanwhile, Tina and Bette are still crouched down behind the car and doing everything they can to not laugh out loud and give away this ruse. The expressions on Alices face were priceless as Officer Withers fondled her.

T, oh God, this is too funny. Bettes face is wet from the tears of laughter that have been falling continuously. She is going to kill us. I really wish wed brought a camera.

Tina taking a few cleansing breaths to regain her composure looks at Bette, Who needs a camera when you have a film crew?

Bette stares at her curiously.

Yea, theyre really filming this. I told you I owed Randy big time.

Bette burst out laughing so hard she snorted, causing Tina to almost fall over laughing. The two clung to each other laughing hysterically until Randy walked over, Okay Bette, oh my God look at you two, youre a mess.

Both ladies looked up at Randy who stood there staring at them with his hands firmly placed on his hips, which caused the two girls to again fall into a hail of laughter. Slowly the laughing subsided and they rose to their feet and stood there staring back at Randy, Okay, Bette let out an exaggerated exhale of breath, Lets get it together. She glanced at Tina who was still working hard toward composure and turned away from Bettes glance in an effort to not lose control again.

Randy, Bette looked at him, I cant believe how well this went off, and Tina tells me youre actually filming this. I thought the camera was just a hoax?

Yea, the one with long brown hair came out screeching about being filmed and we told her it was for Cops. I really thought she was going to faint. I have to admit that I felt a little guilty about it at the moment. But then your other friend, the feisty blonde, she made it all worth while. I dont know how Andrea kept it together when she was patting her down.

You mean fondling her. Bette interjected with a snicker.

Yea, turning to Tina, that was a good idea – youre quite the prankster. Ive learned a thing or two about you tonight.

Bette spun and stared at Tina, You told Andrea to do that to Alice?

Yea, I thought it would be funny. Tina looked at Bette a little worried that maybe shed gone a little too far.

Funny? Are you kidding me? Thats ***** hysterical! Bette reached out and grabbed Tina into a tight hug, Oh my God, see this is one of the many reasons I love you.

Okay you two. Randy interrupted, Bette, the cameraman is signaling for you. Youre up.

Glancing at Tina and winking, Okay, lets bust em.

~*~

Inside the paddy wagon, Bullshit Alice, she was not coming on to you! Dana voice is practically a shrill at this point. In fact, I cant even believe you would think such a thing right now. Do you have any idea what kind of trouble youve gotten us into? Jesus, Im worried to death about my career and all you can talk about is how the babe in blue supposedly was humping your ***** while feeling you up. God Alice!

Shane glances sideways to Alice, Shes right you know – were in deep here Al. If that chica is really hot for you, you need to use it to our advantage. Maybe you can suggest that body search before the bus leaves. Shane winks at her and laughs.

Ha ha Shane, very funny. But Im telling you shes hot for
~*~

The rear door of the paddy wagon opens and Officer Withers is standing there, ladies, before we take you downtown to central booking, my supervisor wants to go over the charges with you one last time so you know why youre being detained. Turning to her left, Excuse me, the prisoners are ready.

The rear door closed just slightly and then slowly opened again, Bette, dressed in a LAPD uniform is now standing at the open rear door with a ***** eating grin wide across her face, Well ladies, Grand Theft Auto? Alice, I expected something a little more creative from you.

The girls let out a unified groan. Dana drops her head to stare at her feet, while Shane flops back hard against the side of the wagon and rolls her eyes upward. But Alice just stares, a harsh, riveting, looking straight through your soul stare, PORTER! Damn-it!