Chapter 137

“Ok Baby….Alice….mom and I are going to take a nice LONG walk with the twins while you two get dinner in the oven….OK?” Tina raised her eyebrow and looked at Bette and Alice. “No blood shed…no bodily injury. News Flash….Bette is pregnant! I don’t want to come home to a disaster. GOT IT YOU TWO!?”

“Got it T….crystal clear Sweetie.” Bette smiled at Tina. It was a totally disarming smile that left Tina’s knees weak.

Alice saluted Tina. “Yes ma’am! General Kennard ma’am!”

Tina looked at Alice and shook her head. “Shut up Alice…don’t go there. Unless of course you want to die!”

“Happy Thanksgiving to you too Tina….mighty friendly today, huh? You sure have that holiday spirit!” Alice rolled her eyes.

Tina smiled at Bette. “Good luck you two…please…please….please…prepare only edible dishes…ok?”

“Yeah …yeah…..such faith my wife has in me and my abilities.” Bette attempted to look hurt…but failed. She knew her cooking…well…sucked!

Tina giggled. “You’re cooking ability is the only thing in question Babe…the rest of your abilities are just….”

Alice’s radar zoomed in on what Tina was saying. “The rest of her abilities are….just….what Tina?”

“Shut up Alice….I think you know!” Tina punched Alice lightly on the arm.

Bette smiled at Tina again. She motioned for Tina to come to her by wagging her finger. Tina walked over to Bette. Bette placed her hands on Tina’s hips and pulled her close to her. She kissed her tenderly. She moved her hand under Tina’s t-shirt and gently brushed her thumb over her left nipple. Tina moaned in spite of her efforts not to.

“OH GOOD GOD! We have a turkey to cook here and you two are doing the ‘nipple tweak’.” Alice shook her head in disbelief.

Bette looked over at Alice. “Not that it’s any of your business hippie…but…it was more of a ‘nipple caress’…right Sweetie?”

Tina opened her mouth but couldn’t speak. She just rested her head on Bette’s shoulder and held her tight.

Jackie came into the room. “OH GOOD GOD! Are you two at it again? Tina….come on….let’s go.”

Tina raised her head and gave Bette a kiss and looked into her eyes. She whispered. “Later Baby…..later!”

“Ok T…go now…see you soon.” Bette winked at Tina and pinched her ***** as she turned and walked away. Bette let out a heavy sigh as she watched her leave.

“OK Porter….let’s get this show on the road!” Alice clapped her hands – the clap bringing Bette back down to earth.

“Yeah …yeah…right! Let’s get going.” Bette shook her head as if to clear her mind of her thoughts of Tina.

“You’re so ***** whipped Porter….my God…do you ever stop?”

“Ahhh….NO!”

“Ok Bette…let’s talk TURKEY!”

“Oh please Alice. Cut out the cutsie ***** will ya?”

“Ok…let’s cook this ***** turkey! Is that better?”

“Much better hippie! Ok…we have Tiffany the turkey….and…..”

“Wait a minute…and Tiffany the turkey isn’t cutsie?”

“Ok…we have Timothy the turkey…..better?”

“Ehhh! How about Tony the turkey?”

“Alice…it’s going to be Christmas before we name this damn turkey. TED…that’s it…TED!” Bette smiled.

“Ted…that’s good….I could eat a Ted! Oh *****….” Alice realized what she’d said.

“I bet you could EAT A TED! HA!” Bette grinned an evil grin.

“Ok ..ok…what else do we have? And please tell me the turkey is thawed.”

Bette looked at Alice and her face dropped. “THAWED???? Oh no….is it thawed? Of course it is you *****.”

“Nice Bette….anyway…what else do we have?”

“Cranberry sauce – canned – easy. We’ll open the can later!”

“Good Bette…what else?”

“Green beans, cream of mushroom soup, those onion ring things – and no we are not eating the entire can before we make the beans!”

“*****!”

“Ok….canned yams, stuffing, pumpkin pie, gravy and blueberry pie.”

“WHAT – NO COOL WHIP?”

“Yes Alice I got Cool Whip.”

“Thank GOD! I love Cool Whip.”

“Fight ya for it hippie!”

“We’ll share *****!”

“Ok…it’s a deal…Oh hey Al…want a beer?”

“You’re pregnant…you can’t drink!”

“Ok…LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN! HEY AL…WANT A BEER? The operative word here being AL!”

“It’s eight AM Bette!”

“And your point?”

“Sure…why not….you invited Lenore right?”

“Yup!”

“I need a twelve pack to get through this holiday!”

“Got one right here for ya!”

“Good!” Alice popped open a beer. “You know…the last time I drank this early I was in college…on a hay ride. I was blasted by eight thirty…and peeing in a corn field!”

“Toooooo much information hippie! Boy you drank that one fast….here’s another. You’re drinking for two you know.”

Alice looked at Bette funny.

“Me and you Al…me and YOU!”

“Gotcha! Another one down…gimme another Porter!”

“Sure you lush!”

“Just love the holidays! So much fun. Family…friends…food…alcohol. Hangovers. Can’t beat the holidays Porter.” Alice burped. “Yup…yup…great stuff. Gimme another…please!”

“Ok now that you are feeling no pain . . let’s get this damn turkey in the oven.” Bette tore open the plastic bag that surrounded the turkey. “Al…please preheat the oven.”

“Gotcha yuppie. Preheat the oven…ok all set.”

“Ok…let’s see…it says we need to take out the parts inside the turkey.” Bette looked at the turkey. “You mean I need to stick my hand up this things *****!”

“Yup…good practice for you Porter.” Alice giggled.

“I’m not into that ***** Al and you know it.”

“Not with turkeys yuppie…but how about with the wife?”

“Geez Al…is nothing sacred?”

“You mean you….?”

“NO I DON’T!” Bette looked at Alice and started laughing. “How about you and Dane???? Hmmmmm? A little fist action….”

“Shut up Bette…just shut up…stick your hand up it’s ***** and get those disgusting parts noone ever eats out of the damn thing!”

Bette held her breath and stuck her hand inside the turkey. “I’m gonna puke.”

“I’ll have another beer and watch you puke!”

“Such a dear friend Alice – we share everything don’t we?”

“Are you being sarcastic Porter?”

“Yes…I am.”

“Ok! I don’t really care anymore…I’m starting to feel GOOD!”

“I don’t feel anything inside this damn thing Al.”

“Turn the ***** thing around.”

“Would you look at that….you mean I stuck my hand up this things ***** for no reason?”

“Was it good for you Bette…because Ted here says you’re ***** HOT!”

“Shut up and have another beer you idiot!”

“My pleasure ***** head!”

“Ok…let’s see……place RINSED turkey in the pan – breast side up…..” Bette rinsed the turkey. “Breast side up.” She flipped the turkey over repeatedly. “BREAST SIDE UP!” Bette was getting annoyed! “Which side is the ***** BREAST side?”

“***** if I know….both sides look the same to me Porter.”

“Hey Al…lift your shirt and show me your…..”

“***** you yuppie!”

“No thank you! I just thought I could do a comparison here…breast to breast!”

“You’re an ***** Bette!”

“I may be – but we still need to figure this out. BREAST SIDE UP! Doesn’t look like any breast I’ve ever seen.”

“And we know you’ve seen thousands Bette.”

“SHUT UP and help me out here.”

“Ok…if the turkey was standing it would be standing which way?”

“Al..the turkey is dead. No head. No feathers and no ***** breast. It is not going to stand!”

“If it had it’s parts – how would it stand?”

“This way.” Bette held the turkey in the position she thought it might be in had it retained it’s head and other vital organs.

“Ok…that has to be the breast right there.”

“If you say so Al…I believe you.”

“Is it hot in here or is it me?”

“You’re loaded…it’s you!”

“Ok..that’s cool!”

“Hot.”

“COOL!”

“Ok…..stuffing….”

“Yup Bette…stuffing….and a little beer to go with it.” Alice dumped a couple of ounces of beer into the stuffing. “Ok Bette stuff the bird! Don’t you want to put your hand back inside Ted?”

“Shut up Alice!” Bette stuffed Ted and put him in the oven.

“Ok Alice…the beans. I love those beans.”

Alice opened the cans and mixed everything together, covered it and put it in the fridge to be baked later.

“Alice…please get your hands out of those onion things…we need to save them for the casserole.”

“Oh..ok…I’ll have another beer…and here’s some for Ted.” She opened the oven and dumped beer into the pan.

“Ok Al..that’s it for now…no blood shed and no bodily injury. And I think we’ll actually have food!”

“We did real good Porter….I think I need a nap.”

“Sure Al – the couch is all yours.” Alice left the kitchen to go lay down.

Just then Jackie and Tina returned with the babies. Taylor and Dylan were sound asleep.

“Hey T…see…everything is fine.”

“Yeah Babe…it looks like you two did ok…and I see Alice had a six pack huh?”

“Yeah she’s on the couch…God I hope she doesn’t think it’s a corn field!”

“What Babe?”

“Oh nothing. Hey let’s put the babies down and go take a nap T.”

“A nap huh?” Tina winked at Bette.

“Yeah…a nap!”

They took the babies to the nursery and put them in their cribs. Bette took Tina’s hand and lead her into their bedroom. “Ok T…strip!”

“Is that an order Babe!”

“Ummmmmm…yeah it is!”

“Ok!” Tina stripped.

“Ok T….go lay on the bed…BREAST SIDE UP!” Bette giggled.

“What are you laughing at Bette?”

“Oh…nothing T. Ummmmmmm.”

“What?”

Bette tossed her clothes around the room as she stripped down. “I was just thinking we could have desert now!”

“Ok…..come and get it Babe!”

Bette jumped into bed with Tina.

“I intend to have you for desert and then *****…in that order.” Bette winked.

“Sounds like a plan Baby. Eat me!”

“OOH I love it when you talk dirty T.”

TBC