Home.

“I love you,” I said, but the words didn’t come through. You couldn’t hear me, deaf as you were to those words I could not speak.
That connection we always had, that connection our friends envied us for, where was it then? We always read each other, words were becoming less necessary as the years passed by. We had entire conversations without uttering a single syllable.
Where has that gone? Do you refuse to hear me as I am calling out for you, as I am whispering your name night after night? If you do, why?
You have been the center of my world since the very moment I met you. Never has that undeniable feeling of total and utter love left my heart, not even when it was accompanied by rage, disappointment and betrayal.
I can still hear your voice, talking to me so softly. I can still see your eyes and the devotion that lay in them. I can still smell your scent that made me think I had died and gone to heaven. I can still feel your hands everywhere on my body, touching me, soothing me or bringing me to heights, bringing me to places I had never seen before. I can still taste your lips devouring mine, your warm, silk tongue releasing my ache.
“I need you,” I said, but the words didn’t come through. You were so wrapped up in your new life. I looked at you and her and I knew that my biggest fear had come true: I had lost you. You were gone from my life and I had let you walk away. I couldn’t survive without you, I had to be with you, but I couldn’t. She was by your side now, she had taken my place beside you. I tried to change my feelings and I tried to actually believe that you were my friend now, and not the person I loved so much I would have died to save you from any pain.
You were so convinced that she was it for you and I knew you had fallen in love again. The pain I felt when I realised that that goofy grin on your face and the blissful look in your eyes wasn’t caused by any feelings for me, but for her… it killed me.
After the struggle you had had because of me, you had found happiness again. You deserved it, after all the immense hurt you had gone through.
I spent day and night thinking about how I had been able to ever let you go. How had I been able to lose you, you who were so precious to be, you who were the core of my being?
“I can’t do this any longer,” I said, but the words didn’t come through. I figured I had to try. I figured that if friendship was the only way of keeping you in my life, I would have to be able to put my true feelings aside. I even helped you make amends with her, convinced that it was the right thing to do. After all, how could I come to you and tell you I wanted you back when it hadn’t been a year since we split up.
You left me, and I could only hope so much that you’d come back to me. My craving to feel you devoured me, so bad that I couldn’t let anyone come that near to me.
Yes, other people touched me, but not in the way you did. It wasn’t the same, the tender love and the longing that could never be satisfied was absent. I knew I did satisfy you, tough. Explaining things like these to other people often seemed impossible, but we understood back then. I can only desire for you to remember that.
“I have to be with you,” I said, but the words didn’t come through. “My life makes no sense when you’re not in it, I have no reason to get up in the morning if I can’t see you sound asleep next to me.”
All I wanted was for you to hold me like you used to once again, to kiss me like you used to once again. But I knew better. She had built a bond with our little girl already and it broke my heart to see it.
I was sitting at a bar, hiding from a person who had no meaning to me, not in the way you had. I was reminiscing on how I never tried to hide for you. And then you came in.
“I want to feel you,” I said, and you heard me. You kissed me and I knew it was all right.
When I looked into your eyes, I saw a new found land. I saw a new world, a world where emotions are so pure it touched me to the deepest of my soul. They expressed your everyfeeling. When happiness filled your hear, you eyes were the messenger, they told me by how they shone so bright the sun became pale and meaningless. When sadness fell on you, they had this shattered look that made me want to change the world and make it a better place for you to live in, it made me want to take all your pain away, absorb it myself so you could smile again.
When I looked into your eyes, I knew everything was right, the universe was at ease, everything was in place. Harmony filled my heart and I knew I can do anything. When I looked into your eyes and they were still teary, it dawned on me how much you actually meant to me and how you feeling bad was so totally, utterly unfair. When I looked into your eyes, I knew that as long as I was able to do that very thing, there was no place I’d rather have been. I felt that I was home.