I walked into the dark bathroom not bothering to flip on the fluorescent glow of the overhead lights. Theres a silver glow peaking through the window that becomes slightly overshadowed by hazy clouds, once the shining moon sneaks out again my eyes catch my reflection in the mirror. I cant help but look away before I see something in myself that I havent seen in months, something I didnt want to see again. Ducking my head I grab my toothbrush, hairbrush, and makeup and turn back through the door. As I go back to my room I flip on the light and a dim orange glow bounces off the purple girly mass of past adolescence. Instead of the trappings of girlish fantasies my sanctuary was strewn with baby bottles, toys, and diapers; schoolbooks, magazines, friends and relationships all cast aside to make room for the change. Im standing beside the crib, his crib, and Im watching him sleep. Hes the most beautiful baby Ive ever seen; the way the pale light from outside and the light from the shaded lamp mix togetherit makes his little face seem even more angelic. Long eyelashes rest on chubby cheeks, closed eyes masking gorgeous chocolate brown eyes; his eyes that sparkle and burn almost black like he knows things well beyond his years, they glow when he giggles. He smiles while hes sleeping and it fills me with so much happiness to know that hes having a good dream. I reach over the edge of the wooden bars and run a finger through his soft hair, over the thin barely-there eyebrows, skimming the bridge of his button shaped nose, and over round pink cheeks. Hes absolutely perfect. I step back and retract my hand giving him one last look before turning around back to the open duffel bag on the bed. Im throwing clothes in left and right not even caring what Im packing and before I know it its full so I zipper the bag closed and collapse on the mattress. My arm crosses over my face and shields my eyes, I cant stand the sight of the room anymore; I get up and maneuver around the room I lived in for 20 years with my eyes closed and flip the light off. Now in the dark again, a place Ive grown to like, I make my way back over to my sons side and pull over a chair next to his crib. As I sit I slip a finger between the wooden slats and caress his baby soft skin; look at his tiny fingernails, his tiny fingers in awe as the wrap around my own finger. I sit like this until I can feel another morning start. I dont know how but you can always tell when morning is coming, or maybe its just from nights spent wide eyed, wired and high; nights with nothing else to do but look and wait for the sun to come upso maybe I learned to read the signs. It smells different, refreshing, like wet grass, raindrops.Night has the scent of darkness, musk, dangerit could be why I find the dark so appealing nowadays. Who knows? I sure as ***** dont. Anyways, Im sitting here with my finger wrapped in a tiny hand as I feel Evan stir and begin to wake up with the sun. He gurgles a bit and his face scrunches up like hes about to cry, until his eyelids flutter and those dark eyes meet my own; he realizes theres no need to wail and wake up mommy. I grin, almost a face splitting act whenever he looks at me, and I pick him up cradling him against my body as I go over and get the bottle that I already prepared for him. He sucks on it greedily and plasters an open palm against the bottle while a little fist perches on the other side. I make a mental note that he can practically hold it himself now and Im filled with so much pride. That happens a lot now, any miniscule thing he accomplishes Im so proud of, I guess thats motherhood for you. I close my eyes as I sit on the bed and listen to the rhythmic sounds of breakfast, it could almost put me to sleep, well I guess anything could; I havent slept in days. Not since that night sitting outside on my roof. Its been ***** trying to decide what my next step will be in contacting Bette, but I made my decision. My eyes flicker open and I dont know how much time has passed. My back is up against the headboard of my bed, the bottle long empty, and Evan is breathing deep and steady, even inhales and exhales that let me know hes fast asleep for another few hours. I rise off the bed with practiced skill not waking him as I press a kiss to his forehead, then to both of his closed eyes, on his tiny nose and rosy cheeks; at the last kiss a stifled cry passes my lips and a tear rolls from the corner of my eyes. I pull my blonde hair over to one side so it doesnt obstruct my view of innocent perfection and I can feel myself smiling through the blurry tears in my eyes. Im still completely baffled that someone as messed up as myself, and someone as sadistic as whats-his-name, could make something so amazingly right. I put my hand on his little belly and rub it soothingly over his PJs. Words pass my lips without having checked in with my brain, straight from the heart to my lips in the early morning sunlight, coming out in whispers but still sounding light shouting in the silent room. I dont know if you can hear me kiddo, or even if you understand me, maybe youre still too young yet to know what I mean, but Ill say it anyway. I love you, more than anything in existence, more than I thought it possible to love any one thing. Youre this tiny little package but you have everything thats good in the world all wrapped up inside of you. I wipe away the salty streams that are making a path down my face and watch as a drop escapes me and lands on the blue fabric of Evans pajamas. I cant help but think my tears are tainting his pure existence, so I cut myself short sniffling. Ill be back, I swear; I could never leave you my prefect little angel. I lean down pushing the one side of the crib down and hear my knees crack as I do so, the sound echoes in the room; everything seems so monumental like it needs to be remembered indefinitely. I press a kiss to a little fist thats look like its almost reaching out to me. I get up again closing my eyes and wipe away tears that wont stop becoming frustrated. Leaning down I pick up my sweatshirt and slip it on zipping it up as I lean back over the mattress to pick up the black duffel bag, slowly I walk over to the door and take one more look at the room and my baby boy; as an afterthought I grab a little blue stuffed elephant and stick it in the pocket of the bag and walk out. The door closes with a soft click and I head down the creaky old wooden steps to the kitchen grabbing a pen and paper. I write to mom and Greg telling them that Evan is upstairs and that hes had his morning feeding, that Ill be back as soon as I can, and that its a promise. Looking around I try and hypothesize that first place that mom or Greg will find my note, most likely the refrigerator, so I stick it there under a smiley face magnet. Funny huh? Weird how the most important memories will be held together by insignificant facts such as the smiley magnet, theres no doubt Ill forget that one. By the time Im out the door the suns out but the air is still cold and windy as it whips my hair about my face. Before I get into my car I pull it back into a ponytail and slip my sunglasses on; then slide behind the wheel of my car. I find myself sitting there, both hands gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. I willed someone to come flying through the door, telling me to stop and not to leave the only thing, only person that I know I will be happy with. A little boy who holds my heart in a grip thats barely half of my own hand. I sit there for seconds, minutes, hours; no one comes, and no one begs me to stay. I slip the key into the ignition and start the car; absent mindedly I pull out a Dum-Dum and unwrap it one handed and stick it in my mouth, it was such a normal thing to do that I didnt even think about how this day wasnt like any other day. It wasnt a day that I was driving to work or to drop Evan off at a day care center. Today I didnt even have a baby seat in the car with me, there wasnt a time table or schedule to follow. It was stupid and childish of me to think these things, and I know youre wondering how I could leave. To be honest I really have no idea how I am doing it either or why Im doing it. Okay well the why is a selfish reason, I want to see someone. How was I supposed to drive this long of a trip with a nine month old? Im not leaving him, Ill be back, and now youre rolling your eyes I pull out of the driveway no longer wishing that someone would stop me from fleeing, from feeling, from being so god damned selfish. Have I always been this self absorbed? No this isnt about drugs, or girls, or guys for that matter. Its about me, finding me againsomeone I havent known since two summers ago; since before I left for my impromptu Texas vacation. The sun now fully beaming as a drive down the neighborhood streets Ive known for years, I roll down the window and inhale the fresh scent of morning. It dawns on me that Im doing something that Ive never had the courage to do before, and thats leaveof my own will; Ive always excised every option away until I was forced to stay confined. I gave myself courage todayand it was real, not chemical. Think what you want, but I feel rightIf you think you know whats going on better that I do, you tell me whats happened to me