“Carmen? Oh you came in”

“Oh, ok you’re with them” The doctor said and left. Alice and I face to face not knowing what to say

“Um… are you ready?” she said in a low voice so that Shane wouldn’t hear

“NO… but what the hell right?” I said trying to smile, which faded right away. She went in the room

“Shane… somebody is here to see you” I come in the room and see her… … she looks.. I can’t…

“Carmen…” It was just the way she said it…. Like if… like if I was her new heart… happy still she looked sick… pale…… fuck she doesn’t look good I cant see her like this, this wasn’t how I thought it would be like seeing her again…

“I’ll be in the cafeteria” Alice said walking away and closing the door behind her

“So from the look in your face I don’t look too good” She smiled

We go thru life doing damage to our self, to other people. Sometimes the damage is something we cant even see. The problem is figuring how to control the damage we’ve done… or that’s been done to us.

The damage catches us by surprise… sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes we think we are over the damage done to us… but… we’re not

“Communication… is the first thing we really learned in life. Funny thing is once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking… the harder it becomes to know what to say or how to ask what we really need. And not too often, but every now and then, something’s simply just….speak for themselves.”

What does she mean by that… what-what does she think I’m communicating?… WHY CANT I SPEAK! Just say something… anything… ok what the fuck am I suppose to say? I have nothing… nothing to say…I always though if I see her again, I would punch her out, make her bleed… but I think she’s been thru a lot.

“Um, yea well um, I’ve been diagnosed with bad heart since…  I think one year now… been on the list ever since… 2 weeks ago I had my 2^nd heart attack and now I cant leave… I hate being here… they got to do test after test. I have a bad heart get over it, but no…… I’ll tell them to put the little box in my chest they put last time and if I feel bad I will come no big deal…. but they got to be a pain in the ass and leave me here.”

I didn’t feel like talking but then suddenly, I felt the urge like vomit to say some something.

“They cant just stitch you up, slap a band-aid on it and send you home… its easy to suggest a quick solution when you don’t know much about the problem when you don’t understand the underlying cause… or just how deep the wound really is… you cant forget the past that got you here and ignore the future complication that might arise, and go for the quick fix.”

“Sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions. Bad decisions. Decisions we will regret the moment, the minute, especially the morning after. I guess we cant complain about karma huh?… its not unfair its not unexpected… it just… evens the score.”

Suddenly the conversation about Shane’s heart turned to something else…. Something I don’t wanna talk about… I felt like crying… why does she have to say that? That it was a mistake to leave me… she is not suppose to say that… she doesn’t have the right to change her decision left alone be sorry about, after 5 years. I cant.. I just cant… I turn around and leave. Walking out I felt tears run down my face. I couldn’t control them… I didn’t want to feel like that… like not being in control… of my feelings… fucked up hidden feelings I though I was over… but I guess not…