Chapter 57 – Coming to Grips

Tina standing up looks back at Bette, I have made arrangements with Shane, shes on the pier and should be down in a minute to take you home. Give me a few day and I will regain may balance. Im sorry but I had a wonderful birthday. Thanks Tina says to a really confused Bette.

Bette is lost in deep thought starring at the sunset. Ive tried to rebuild who I am. Ive tried to learn to live my life without Tina. Standing here I have to admit that the fire I have for Tina has never burned out, its never slipped away or wavered in strength, its real. . But do I deserve her back? What does she mean by forgive? Bette has these thoughts as she feels a hand on her shoulder and turns to see if Tina came back: Tina.

No, I sorry Bette its only me. Shane says. From the look on your face I guess you said NO.

What do you mean NO? Bette asked even more at a loss giving Shane an odd look.

I dont get it, didnt Tina ask you to marry her? Shane asks looking confused as well.

This news was more than Bette could register. Oh My God, was that the look this morning that had crossed Tinas face while she was looking at the painting? Bette wonders to herself.

Bette . Bette What happened today? Shane asks again. Looking at Bette she can see that Bette is totally at a loss. Come on you want to go home?

No .. Bette says hesitantly I think I need to talk, I know what Tina wants I just dont know if I can do what she wants. I I.. just dont know.

Shane eventually got Bette to open up and talk about her day with Tina. It had been a wonderful day, one that Bette will remember always but the way it ended for Bette shook up her world.

Shane I need to fight for Tina and shes making it ease for me if I just knew how to get there. I know I have to stay within who I am now. I feel so much more on level ground but when Tina starts talking I sort f freeze up. I hear all she has to say and I just dont want to lead her on or give her false hope. I feel like Im on one side of a creek and shes on the other. I just cant find the bridge so I can be standing beside her. Bette finally begins to articulate all her pent up emotions.

Well have you talked to Rachael about how to cross over this water I mean maybe you are looking for a bridge when really you just need to wade in the water. You might get a little wet but the end results are worth the effort. Shane suggests.

The idea that Tina wanted her back fed Bettes hope and motivated her to move in the direction of forgiveness but still Bette has so many doubts if this is her bridge.

In the next week Bette began to realize just how much she had let Tina back into her life. Its funny how she didnt realize how much she had come to look forward to the daily interactions with Tina until they were gone. When Shane had dropped her off that night she had asked Shane to deliver Tinas painting. Now she was wishing that she hadnt done that so she would have a reason to hook up with her. Bette had a hundred everyday little things she saved up in her mind to tell Tina but she didnt feel comfortable picking up the phone and calling her. Bette wanted to give Tina the space she had requested.

Bette had come to some conclusions in her own mind about her time with Tina. Having thought of nothing else for days, she came up with some conclusions which she formulated into truths. First truth is that she needed Tina in her life. This she knew as well as her own name. The second was that if Tina wanted her back she would try as hard as she could to do what Tina wanted. The thing that kept her back was this overwhelming feeling of no longer being worthy of Tinas love. The last truth was that she had no idea how to forgive. She felt she needed help with this so on her next visit to Rachael this would be the primary topic.

At Bettes next session with Rachael she came in prepared to address her list. Foremost in her mind was trying to understand. Rachael I feel so confused. I have tried so hard to let go of controlling everything including Tina. I have modeled my life by focusing my attention on things that I have in my sphere of control. One thing that I know is in my sphere of control is not causing pain to Tina but yet it seems that I still am. I realize that what is best for me may not be best for Tina, what do I have to give Tina back? At this time I dont think Im capable of being the person that Tina needs, what can I offer? Bette begins.

Rachael listens to Bettes story of her day with Tina and is fascinated with Bettes conclusions. Bette I want to remind you of Free Will. I know that you feel that you can control Tinas pain but you seem to have forgotten her free will. Would it be fair to say that Tina has made the choice that the new you is someone she wants to have in her life?

Bette just nods her head at this.

Well then how do you go about controlling that? Are you lying to Tina to force her to leave or do you accept that Tina has made her choice whether you cause pain or not? Rachael asks.
Bette: I understand this and I am willing to concede that Tina wants to be in my life by her own choice. I really dont have as much of a problem with that anymore. I have more of a problem with the forgiveness thing. It just seems so whimpy to me. I mean its so spineless, so convenient or just the easy way out. Doesnt it show strength to carry the anger and the pain so I will never forget?

Rachael: Is it your impression that by carrying the anger that you are doing a good thing?

Bette: Yes, it means that I will never forget.

Rachael: So to you by carrying this anger you are being strong for Tina?

Bette: Yes!

Rachael: So the fact that Tina has already forgiven you means she is weak?

Bette: No Tinas not weak. Youre twisting my words.

Rachael: Am I? Bette listen, I want to take a different approach here. Maybe we need to throw out a few defining words or truths as you phase it around forgiveness and see how they affect you. I believe it may change your perception and possibly your attitude towards forgiveness.

Forgiveness has an amazing power to heal, it is the force to break a seemingly unending cycle of pain.

Forgiveness is the key that can release us from a past that will not rest or give us peace.

Forgiveness doesnt mean ignoring an injustice or letting someone treat you badly.

It takes true strength and courage to make the effort to forgive.

So using these truths lets look at your perceptions again. Bette why do you want to continually beat yourself up with these grievances you have committed. At some point dont you believe you can remember them but more importantly remember the lessons learned by those behaviors? Do you have to remember the pain to remember the lesson? Rachael asks.

Bette: No but by remembering the pain I just feel like I will remember better.

Rachael: So you want to be punished for the rest of your life because that is what youre saying that by keeping this pain real for you its the punishment you deserve for your grievance. More over do you feel the grievances you have committed are so grave that they are worthy of a life sentence. Right?

Bette: Well when you put it that way, you make it seem a little extreme. I really just cant forget.

Rachael: Good Bette, what exactly cant you forget?

Bette: The pain I caused how I treated people, how much damage I caused and how I got there. I cant go back there.

Rachael: So Im confused here because those sound like lessons not pain. Forgiving does not equal forgetting. It is about healing the memory of the harm but not erasing it or removing any of the consequences associated with it. So with that can we agree that holding your pain so closely may actually prevent you from moving forward with your life, any life whether its with Tina or not, as it will prevent you from healing your pain?

Bette: Possibly, so forgiveness will help me heal?

Rachael: As long as our minds are captive to the memory of having been wronged, they are not free to wish for reconciliation with the one who wronged us. In your case you have wrong others but you have also wronged yourself. As long as you hold on to the anger and the pain you will never be able to heal yourself. Without healing you will not be able to elevate your self worth and move forward with your life. This IS the bridge you have been looking for.

Bette: But Im not comfortable with healing yet.

Rachael: Bette I think we have come to one of those crossroads where you need to take a leap to move forward. When we talk about pain being your punishment arent we also talking about your real reason for the attempt on your life? You really do feel that the grievances you have committed where a capital offense and that the only punishment harsh enough for all your failure was death. No one could punish you as well as you have punished yourself. Your whole life in order to get praise you had to be perfect. Now that you understand that you are not perfect, NO one is, does this mean your not worthy of any praise and rewards? Now, all this time later you still believe that you have little value as a person. Despite all the lessons you have incorporated into your life and all the improvements you have made, you feel you are not worthy of healing because you are still handing out the punishment.

Rachael leaves this point in the air for a while so Bette can absorb what has been said.

Why is that Bette Rachael asks.

Bette really hadnt thought in terms of what she deserved other than severely punished. I dont know. Im trying daily to be a better person but I still hate who I was and what I did. That wont go away.

Rachael: Forgiveness works directly on the emotion of anger and related emotions such as resentment, fear, hostility. Forgiveness takes these emotions and diminishes there intensity within your heart and within your mind. Bette what would happen if you ratchet down your level of self hate. Would you forget the lessons you have learned? Would you change who you have become or would this forgiveness allow you to finally move forward. Move you forward in a way that would allow you to have a loving relationship with someone. When you ratchet down your anger through forgiveness, it will allow your heart and mind to heal which will improve your self worth. In exchange your self worth then becomes the currency of a loving relationship.

Bette is just starring at Rachael for this is the leap. If she agrees that she is saying that theres a possibility with Tina. If she disagrees where is she then, right where she is now alone? I really have become a better person. I can remember the lessons and I do have something to bring to this marriage. These are all new thoughts that Bette would have to slowly come to grips with because she is going to make this leap.