I stood there holding my cup of tea, herbal tea to be exact. Caffeine is one of the things I must sacrifice while I am pregnant.

Pregnant; with child; having a baby; on maternity leave; bunny in the oven; in the family way; knocked up; preggers. There are so many euphemisms for my current status.

Fucked over, screwed, betrayed, cuckolded, victim of adultery, made a fool of, embarrassed, humiliated, shamed, laughingstock, hurt, destroyed, annihilated. There are so many euphemisms for my current status.

Security, trust, honesty, safety, love, faith, hope, belief, commitment, optimism. There are so many words for what I have lost.

I enjoyed standing there with my cup of tea listening to the commentary of my friends. How many times had I sat in that same place doing the same thing? The only difference was that it was someone elses pain I was talking about. I know it is odd to say that I enjoyed standing there listening to them, I say it with sarcasm, though in a way I probably did enjoy it. Why? Because it is a sign that life goes on. The gossip and drama of the West Hollywood ***** community continue. My life may have stopped, but life in general goes on. Tomorrow is a another day; look to the future.

Look to the future I must. I heard about Marina, she tried to kill herself over a lost love, her method of choice being a matter for debate. I cannot grieve too deeply for my lost love. It is no longer about Tina. It is about the life that I carry within me. I thought that I would be bringing this life into a loving home with two mommies. Now, I am bringing this child with one mommy into what? I no longer even know where I live.

The decision to get pregnant was supposed to surprise Bette in a good way. It was supposed to spare her pain. How ironic that the pain is now all mine. Is this my punishment for doing the insemination behind her back? If she had known would it have kept her from the arms of Candace? Would it have bought me a temporary reprieve from finding out that Bette could so easily betray me. Would it have bought a stay of execution for our marriage?

If I had not stopped in for that cup of tea. I could have avoided their discussion, Bette, Bettes lies, my outburst. She fucked Candace all night and then decided that I am the love of her life. I should be flattered. It took only a night of ***** to decide that she likes me better. I suppose that it is a compliment that she didnt need to ***** Candace for years in order to make her decision. Given that there is more to life than just *****, I think she should have made the competition more interesting: which of us could get her clothes to the dry cleaners the fastest, who could prepare the best meal, who could hold their tongue the longest during a torrent of her verbal abuse, who would least interrupt her work.

I have decided the winner, the one I love is the woman who takes the shortest amount of time getting ready in the morning so as not to make me late for work. Thank you both for entering the Bette Porter competition.

I never got to finish my cup of tea. It ended up in the debris of my table toss. My lost cup of tea. How symbolic for my marriage.