Kissing Tina, Bette felt her body vanishing, her desire covering every emotion, every pore of her body. She could not think, not even talk. Touching Tina, feeling her skin, her prominent belly against her, Bette sighed, looking for strength, for a sign of reality. She could not believe what she was doing, what she was feeling.

Kissing Tina, discovering her lips again, Bette leaded her to their bedroom. Walking inside, without even turning the light on, Bette felt the need to move away from Tina. She needed to look her in the eyes, to connect with her, to find her again. She didnt know what she could do. What to say. She wanted to make love to her, to kiss her till eternity, but this was new. This was another Tina, another Bette.

They didnt talk, didnt even move. They just stayed there, looking at each other, finding each other. And then after a couple of endless minutes, Tina moved closer. Slowly, very delicately, she took Bettes hand in hers. Just by feeling Tinas hand, Bette had to close her eyes. Holding Bettes hand, Tina moved closer. Stopping at her side, she leaned forward and very tenderly she kissed Bette on the lips. Feeling Bettes lips trembling, Tina nodded. Moving apart, she whispered,

“Come here”

Sitting Bette on the bed, Tina looked at her for a few minutes. She was admiring her long missed features, the beautiful eyes, the soft immaculate skin, but mostly, she was getting lost in the look on Bettes eyes. Removing a lock of her from Bettes face, Tina smiled. It wasnt just that she could not believe what that look was doing to her, it was that, for the first time in a long time, she was able to read those eyes. She was able to know what Bette was thinking, what she was fearing.

Taking Bettes hand again, Tina placed it on her belly.

“Uhh” Tina mumbled, feeling Bettes freezing hand against her skin.

“Am sorry” whispered, Bette noticing the contrast between her cold hand and Tinas warm belly.

“Shhh” Tina mumbled, covering Bettes hand with hers.

Feeling confident, Bette moved her hand, started caressing Tinas belly. Moving a little, Tina sat on the bed.

Noticing how Bette was unable to move her eyes from her belly, Tina smiled, but then she bit her lower lip.

“You can do whatever you want to me…everything is fine…am fine…” she whispered leaning forward, dying for Bettes lips, for her contact.

Kissing Tina back, Bette felt all her senses wakening. Sighing, breaking the kiss, she locked her eyes with Tina again just to find the courage to remove her shirt. By doing it, she found Tinas cleavage offered to her. Tina was wearing a black bra that was hardly covering her breast. Amazed, finding difficult to breath, Bette gasped. Unable to move her eyes from it, she carefully moved her hand to caress it. It was as soft as she remembered but much deeper and beautiful. Caressing it, audaciously moving, she caressed the pale skin that the bra wasnt covering. Biting her lips, Tina closed her eyes, she needed Bette, she needed her now, but she could not hurry her, she could feel her desire, her lust, her love.

“You are so beautiful” Bette whispered leaning forward just before placing her lips on Tinas collarbone. Kissing her, caressing her arms, Bette found herself lost in a dream, in a journey she wouldnt be able to describe. Feeling Tina removing her camisole, caressing her back, Bette knew she could die happy …



…
Sighing, turning to look at Tina at her side, Bette felt tears filling her eyes. The images of what happened a few hours before were repeating over and over again in her mind. She could not believe what just happened. They made love.
Tina, peacefully sleeping on their bed was looking more beautiful that ever which broke Bettes heart. She didnt want to confuse herself with what happened. It wasnt just *****, at least for her but she still wasn?t sure about Tina.

Trembling, feeling her heart tightening with emotion, Bette stood up. Putting her robe on, she moved to the kitchen were she poured herself a glass of water. He wanted to calm, to think, to stoop being so scared. Sitting on the table, she looked towards their bedroom. Noticing the early morning light appearing at the garden, she sighed again. Opening the note book she started writing.



“Dear Tee,

I dont know what this is. I am happy, so happy that I think Id die. But at the same time I am lost. Ive just lived the most beautiful experience of my life with you, and dont know what it means.

I was there, with you, and I know what it meant for me. I want to believe that what I saw in your eyes means what I think it means, but I dont want to guess. This is not a game. Im out of touch. Ive been so lost that now, I dont know what is real and what is not. I still dont understand what happened tonight. I know I loved it. Ive been praying for it for so long that just by remembering it now, am shaking.
But thats not what I want. Or at least, thats not all I want. I told you I wanted you. And is true. I want you…but by that I mean ALL of you. I dont just want *****, ***** is not enough. Never was. I want you. Ive been thinking so much about you this past month that one thing I truly Know. I know what I want. I dont need to think about it again, I dont need time, I dont need to try to see it from every perspective. Ive done that and more. And after tonight. I truly know what I want. I want you.
By that I mean, I want your kindness, your tenderness, your generosity, your smile, your laughter. I want you in my life. Since the moment I wake up till I close my eyes at night. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I want it all.

All this months without you Ive been thinking, dreaming about you, and then, after I found out, about the baby too. But this have nothing to do with the baby. Id need you, want you, the same without him. The baby is just the perfect gift. I will love and care for that baby no matter what, but to be able to breath, to live, I need to know where we stand.

I know I love you. I never stopped loving you. I love you with all my imperfections, with all my fears and with all my doubts. You know me, there is nothing new here. Well, maybe it is. Now I know, I am able to admit not just to you, but to the world that am broken, that am nothing without you.

With this, all am trying to say is that I need you to decide, to find out what you want. I need to know what you want. I will accept whatever you say, whatever you decide. But one thing I have to say, I will parent this baby with you, I will love him with you, but I wont just have ***** with you. It will be too hard.
I will wait for you if thats what you need, but I wont play games with you. Life is too short, and I want to live it with you. If you cant trust me again, if you cant love me again. I need to know. I will live my life without you. It wont be easy, it wont be happy but I will do it because I need to. I need to live to see that you are happy, that you will be happy with whatever you decided.


I know…this is a mess…it probably doesnt even make sense. But you know me…sharing my feelings, putting words to sensations have never been my thing. But you know me, you always had. You can read between the lines, you know what I want to say.

Now am just going out for a walk, am too scare to be here when you wake up. As much as I stand on what I just said, I dont know if I be able to accept whatever you decide…you look too beautiful sleeping on that bed, I love you too much to fight with you right now… I dont think I could stand seeing regret in your eyes. I cherish this past hours too much. I need to save the memories, to hide them, to take care of them.

I want to thank you for them. If that was it, am grateful, its not enough, it never will be enough but will be my most precious treasure. Thank you for the baby, for giving me a family, for giving me a past… for tonight.

I love you,
B.”