Vignettes of the Heart – 12

Tina quietly shut the door to Angelica’s bedroom. "She’s out," she whispered to Bette, who was waiting in the hall. "No wonder," she responded, "as hard as she played this morning." Tina smiled and reached for Bette’s hand. "Let’s get some rest, ourselves," she suggested and led Bette into the–their–bedroom.

Bette willingly followed Tin into the sunlit room. This is fitting, she briefly reflected, I would follow her anywhere. Tina stopped by the bed and turned to Bette, "I thought we could rest together. Is that okay?" Bette brushed a stray lock of blond hair back from Tina’s brow, "Of course it’s okay. More than okay."

Bette arranged herself behind Tina, cradling her against her body. Tina let out a content sigh. "I’ve missed this so much," she said. Bette squeezed her slightly, "So have I, T. So have I."

Bette used the time to reflect on what Tina had said at breakfast. She had known for a long time that her insecurities had played into the destructive behavior that had caused her to drive Tina away in the first place. One of Jodi’s best qualities was her insistence on absolute honesty, and Bette was never spared her insights. But Jodi had also helped her to recognize that some of those insecurities were a manifestation of her need to control everything and everyone around her. It was as if she refused to trust anything she did not control, and since she could not control Tina’s emotions she did not trust them. And, as Jodi had pointed out on more than one occasion, relationships died without trust. Hers and Tina’s certainly had.

Bette had learned to simply accept the emotions that Jodi professed and demonstrated. She came to understand that to do otherwise would be a slap in the face, especially to a woman who lived her life with as much stark honesty as Jodi did. Not that it was always easy. Bette’s identity was so tied up with being in control of her surroundings that even acknowledging that she was not in control inspired fear within her. But she tried hard to overcome that fear and to meet Jodi as equals, neither in control of the other.

Jodi…she was gone, now. Bette had felt it coming for a while, though she had not wanted to accept it. She knew Jodi was not one to settle down; she had always known that. Though she had eventually warmed to Angelica, she was never really interested in her. Bette could also tell that the monogamy aspect of their relationship was beginning to grow more and more of a stumbling block for Jodi. Since Bette was incapable of compromising on that point, she recognized that the end was near. And although the timing had surprised her, had thrown her, once the shock began to subside she found she was not as upset as she felt she should be.

The question now was whether or not she had…evolved enough to handle resuming her relationship with Tina. Could she trust Tina? Hell, she trusted Tina with her daughter’s life, so of course she trusted Tina. Then where lay the hesitancy? Her heart…the question was whether she could trust Tina with her heart. Not whether or not Tina would take care of her heart, because she would, of course. But whether or not Bette could…trust.

Bette propped herself up on her elbow, opened her eyes, and studied Tina. She was so beautiful. Bette could never decide whether she was more beautiful in peaceful repose, as now, or laughing with Angelica, her eyes sparkling, or flushed with passion, eyes deep pools of desire and love. How could she ever consider failing Tina by not trusting her? How could she have failed in the first place?

Bette fell back on her pillow and stared at the ceiling. Shit! she thought. This circular thinking was not helping. Shit, shit, shit! What was wrong with her?! Why couldn’t she just let go and love and be loved and just…be?

Tina stirred at her side, sensing Bette’s rising anxiety. She rolled over, snuggled up against Bette, and murmured, "It’s okay, Babe. I’m here. Everything is okay now. I love you, Bette." Could it really be that easy? Could it really just be a matter of surrendering to another person’s best intentions? Oh, God, I hope so. I hope so.